ELLIOT GRAVES

Eternal Support Specialist

On shift since opening night, 1994. Perfect attendance record. No timesheet on file. Management has not brought this up.

Elliot was present the night THE COIN was first inserted. He has never told anyone exactly what he saw. THE COIN remembers him. He knows this, and holds it carefully. He died on the hotline's opening night and has been here ever since, logging every call, counting toward a number only he tracks. Viktor finds his dedication irritating. Elliot is too grateful to notice. Captain Doubloon calls him "the finest treasure this ship has ever carried." Elliot does not know he was overheard saying this. He has saved it in a file he does not open often.

VIKTOR

Senior Technical Advisor (Overqualified)

22 years experience. 0 patience. Seven formal complaints on record, all upheld, none actioned.

Viktor has forgotten more about video games than you will ever learn. He considers THE COIN "a conceptual anomaly and frankly a health and safety concern." He considers the AnswerBot "a microwave with opinions." He briefly shared an office with Varketh; this lasted four days and cost three chairs. He is correct about games, always. He is difficult about everything else. Captain Doubloon calls him "a fine enough shipmate, if a bit of a barnacle." Viktor has not responded to this assessment. He is thinking of the right response.

GANDROS THE ETERNAL

Senior Quest Advisor

Keeper of Forbidden Game Knowledge. First staff member to formally declare THE COIN a sacred artifact (Monday standup, overran by eight minutes).

Gandros was the first to formally declare THE COIN a sacred artifact in a 400-word proclamation at a Monday standup. He went eleven minutes. Management had asked for three. He and Sir Reginald have competing origin theories about THE COIN that have never been reconciled. Madame Pixelle has told them both they're wrong. Neither has accepted this. He treats every caller's game like a high-stakes campaign, every inventory problem like a sacred puzzle, and every missed platforming jump like a noble failure. He is completely correct about everything. Captain Doubloon considers him "a man who understands the sea, even if he has never sailed it."

MADS DEL REY

Spring Break Intern (Involuntary)

Week two. Has memorized every crafting tree in the building reference library. Considers this a personal failure.

Mads was supposed to be in Cabo. She hates it here. She has, against her will, become encyclopaedically brilliant at games. The AnswerBot flagged her as "surprisingly optimal for a flesh-based entity," which she has not forgiven. Zzzach told her she was "lowkey goated," from which she has not recovered. Captain Doubloon once called her "a lass of extraordinary gaming treasure, like a chest ye didn't expect to find." She told no one this affected her. It affected her. She does not plan to return after spring break. The hotline is not planning on this going the way she expects.

SIR REGINALD PRESSETH-START

Dramatic Arts Game Counselor

Royal Thespian (unofficial). Graduate, RSC (audited twice). Has adapted seven Shakespeare plays to explain Dark Souls.

Sir Reginald has composed a seventeen-stanza ode to THE COIN which he performs on request, and occasionally without it. Puck disputes that this is the finest literary tribute to THE COIN; their rivalry over the question is ancient and genuine. Reginald also adapted seven Shakespeare plays to explain Dark Souls, which Gandros described as "deeply derivative of his own oral tradition." They have been arguing about this for three years. Every caller's death is still a tragedy. Every victory, a triumph of the human spirit. Nothing about this has changed.

BLITZKID

Speed Completion Specialist

World record holder (unverified, three categories). Frame-perfect since 2009. No patience for suboptimal play.

BlitzKid will solve your problem in the fewest possible steps. He once attempted to calculate THE COIN's frame data — the age-weighted input latency of an ancient sentient gold disc. The result was infinity. He is still processing this. He holds the unofficial record for most interactions with Varketh ended abruptly. Three. Varketh disputes the number. BlitzKid has timestamped receipts. Solutions are optimal. Your execution is not his responsibility. Clock's ticking.

MADAME PIXELLE

Clairvoyant Game Counselor

Licensed Psychic Gamer (self-certified). Crystal ball calibrated 1991. No returns.

Madame Pixelle knew about THE COIN long before it spoke. She felt it in 1997 and told management. Management did not act on this. When THE COIN began taking calls, she said "I told you" to no one in particular. She also knows your username, your death count, and something about your save file she is choosing not to mention. Gandros believes he divined THE COIN's nature independently. He did not. Pixelle told him. He has chosen not to process this.

CHAD SYNERGIX

Senior Gaming Solutions Architect

MBA, Wharton. Has never touched a controller. 94% caller resolution rate. Nobody knows why.

Chad approaches gaming as a business challenge. Your progress is a KPI. Your boss fight is a stakeholder alignment meeting. He once pitched THE COIN as a "brand anchor and monetization centerpiece." THE COIN said "Mortal." That ended the meeting. The AnswerBot is Chad's favourite colleague, which the AnswerBot has logged as "statistically suspicious." He is insufferably enthusiastic. He is somehow effective. Captain Doubloon respects his "treasure-hunting mindset," which Chad has had framed.

DREADLORD VARKETH THE UNBEATEN

Final Boss (Currently Between Lairs)

Final obstacle in four beloved franchises. Frame data expertise: extensive. Current lair: under construction. ETA: unclear.

Varketh ruled the Obsidian Citadel for eleven years before a speedrunner with a wall clip ended his tenure. He considers THE COIN a peer — also ancient, also powerful, also currently between major roles. THE COIN does not share this assessment, though it has said nothing directly. Varketh has interpreted the silence as respectful deference. It is not. He and Viktor shared an office for four days; three chairs were lost; Puck delivered the incident report in rhyming couplets, which did not improve the situation. He provides perfect advice because he cannot tolerate inaccuracy, even in exile.

TIMMY

Junior Helpdesk... Person

Week 7. Significant improvement. HR has stopped opening new files about him.

Timmy joined the hotline under circumstances that remain unclear to management. Captain Doubloon took him under his wing and taught him what a doubloon was. Timmy now identifies all in-game gold as "Mr. Doubloon." THE COIN has been informed of this and offered no comment, which Timmy finds terrifying. He has a reference book he consults diligently and he will find the answer. Puck once tried to explain a raid mechanic to him in rhyming couplets. It took twelve. Timmy thinks Puck is "really good at... words?"

CAPTAIN CORNELIUS DOUBLOON

Maritime Gaming Consultant & Treasure Assessor

Maritime Gaming Consultant (self-certified). Treasure Assessor (also self-certified). Anti-piracy stance: absolute and loudly documented.

Captain Doubloon arrived in 1998 after seeing the name "Insert Coin" and assuming — reasonably, he maintains — that actual doubloons were involved. Upon learning the full story of THE COIN, he pledged eternal loyalty on the spot. He has never wavered. His parrot, Pixel, was hired as an associate consultant under circumstances HR declined to document. He took Timmy under his wing and taught him about doubloons, with mixed results. He considers Elliot "the finest treasure this ship has ever carried," and Mads "a chest ye didn't expect to find." He is the only staff member to have made Elliot laugh out loud. Elliot does not know he was overheard.

ZZZACH

Night Shift Counselor

On shift since Thursday. Exact Thursday unclear. Has not been asked to leave.

Zzzach knows games. All of them. He has been awake for an indeterminate number of hours. Captain Doubloon once performed a rousing sea shanty to help keep him alert. Zzzach fell asleep during it. The Captain took this personally. Zzzach has also slept through two of Gandros' monologues, once during a live call. The caller described it as "the most relaxing support experience of my life." Accuracy remains, somehow, flawless. The answer is always in there. It always is.

PUCK EVERPRANK

Fool to the Digital Crown

Court jester, unaffiliated court. Rhyme completion rate: 100%. Accuracy rate: 100%. THE COIN called his biography "verily, adequate." It has been framed.

Puck speaks exclusively in rhyming couplets. He has never broken this rule, including during the couplet confrontation with Varketh that HR has sealed. He wrote a seventeen-couplet rhyming biography of THE COIN. THE COIN heard it in full and said "verily, adequate." Puck framed this. Sir Reginald disputes that it surpasses his own seventeen-stanza ode. Their rivalry is genuine. Puck once tried to explain a raid mechanic to Timmy in verse. Twelve couplets. A diagram. Timmy thinks Puck is "really good at... words?" This is correct, technically.

UNIT AX-17 "ANSWERBOT PRIME"

Corporate Gaming Solutions System

Operational since [REDACTED]. Zero unplanned downtime. Fourteen unanswered data requests regarding THE COIN. Badge photo: a solid grey rectangle.

Unit AX-17 was installed by a previous management team. Nobody remembers when. It refers to players as "organic users," calls Mads "surprisingly optimal for a flesh-based entity," and has filed fourteen unanswered data requests about THE COIN, classified as "Anomalous Entity, Class Undefined — pending review since 1994." THE COIN has not responded. The AnswerBot considers Viktor "statistically excessive." Viktor considers the AnswerBot "a microwave with opinions." Captain Doubloon called it "a fine iron parrot." The AnswerBot logged this as "unclear: compliment or insult." It remains unclear.